A Love Letter from your Anxious Girl Friend
Hey, hi love!
Umm..sorry, I don’t mean to be a bother. I just wanted to say…You’re dating more than just one girl. I’m here — and so is this anxious girl who hides between my smiles and laughs.
She reveals herself at times when you tell me that my ‘imperfections are just as lovable’. Yes, that girl wants to tell you something.
I NEED to know things. It’s not a switch. It’s not a choice to torment myself to the seven hells and back obsessing over trivial plans. Overthinking is not a spoonful dug into a tub of ice cream for comfort on a warm summer night. Replaying conversations in my head over and over is not a preference I made. I do not choose to snap into these moods, only to snap out of them at the fear of disappointing you.
Anxiety sneaks up on me in the middle of sentences. The rest of your words are drowned over the rush of blood in my ears.
All I can see are your half words, unsaid words. Painted with my panic, hanging in the air ahead of me, dripping over my floor into puddles around my feet. I you would just stop and hear the screaming silence, which is threatening to to tear out my heartstrings.
Maybes are worse than Nos. I live so many hours not knowing, so many minutes in uncertainty, so many seconds just trying to grasp onto something real. A ‘maybe’ feels like a bucket of ice water splashed onto my naked body in the middle of a December night, leaving me in cold shame.
Shameful for wanting that reassurance, for not being enough by myself. For not being strong. For all the nots and knots and noughts that are spreading in my life. For being outside naked in the middle of a December night.
None of this is your fault. I know we promised, in sickness or health. But I know, this ‘is just in my head’ and will go away only ‘if I stop overthinking.’ So no, I don’t need you to try and help me. Not like this. I don’t want the burden of your sad eyes on my broken shoulders love, I’m going to be okay someday.
I just wanted to tell you, don’t let my imperfections scare you. I love you too.
