Four Love Notes No One Ever Sent Me

…So I wrote them to myself.

We’ve all been in those closure-deprived relationships, where so much remains unsaid. Even after months or years of moving on. There are things you wish you would’ve said, things you wish you’d have been told. And things you wish had just remained unsaid.

Well, this is me looking for catharsis by sending some love notes to myself, from some people who were once part of my life. And some who I wished weren’t.

1. It was supposed to be our one day of just hanging out, drinking cold coffees and watching trashy reality shows after 2 weeks of not having seen each other. So yes, I was annoyed when you opened your laptop for, “Just 15 minutes, I-need-to-send-out-this-mail”.

But then you did something.

I don’t know if you even realise it. You were super focussed and just stuck out your tongue just touching your upper lip and started humming some old show tunes. Even bobbing your head along to them, all the while crafting some polished schpeel to your colleagues on the next marketing ideation strategy or another jargon that I might have messed up.

You know, apart from the sheer childlike silliness of the moment (which I have safely captured in my phone, rest assured), what blew my away was the realisation that I have the complete you in my life. To have you reveal this side of yourself to me. To feel safe and comfortable enough to let your guard down. After all, you have been through.

I am thankful that I am so smart (yes yes, read on) that I gave you time and space. It was worth it.

I am folding this letter now, because I am feeling this huge surge of warm fuzzy feelings coming over and I think I’m going to come over and plant a noisy kiss on your forehead now.

And then I’m going to tell you, I love you. And mean it.

2. The brownies were heavenly. Thank you! And the boxers are much appreciated, even though explaining the expletives printed on them to my mother was not!

I’m very sorry we’ve not really been anything, and that our attempt at trying to be more than ‘nothing’ seems comical at best and downright tragic at worst. We are a sitcom scriptwriter’s fodder. And I bet in his version he’s giving us a happy ending (no pun intended!)

But if I’m being honest, I don’t think we will ever get that. We’re both a little messed up, and this last month was a train wreck for us both. That’s probably what got us here too. This level of compatibility is so rare to find that I immediately took it as a ‘sign’ from the universe. Typical gun-jumper me, and typical hopeless romantic you.

You are amazing and I want you to remain an important part of my life, always. You already are. But every time you do something more for me, I take a guilt trip wishing I could reciprocate those feelings too.

You deserve better than that, better than a half baked attempt at trying to love you back the way you need to be loved. I respect you and our bond too much to do this to you.

And just as importantly, you deserve these scrumptious brownies — I’m saving you some in this container. ( I know I lost your last Tupperware, this is an olive branch!). Let’s be equals as friends and share something I can give my full heart to?

3. I hate to tell you this. You’ve been lied to by your exes - you do not sleep like an angel. Unless of course angels drool all over their pillows and shed hair WHILE sleeping. (How are you doing this?!)

But I am glad to see you sleep so peacefully. Makes me feel like there’s something happy in my life. Something blissful. Something good, and untainted.

I wanted to tell you something. I think you might know this already, I haven’t really been myself for a while. I feel unjustified anger and bouts of fear and fear of being outraged for no reason.

And I’ve taken it out on you on more than one occasion. I am sorry for telling you that your tears are cheap, for making you doubt your brilliance, and for putting you in a place where you considered quietening yourself your self to let me scream.

I don’t know what it is that has gotten me like this, but I do know, you are the only one keeping me grounded. You’re the only one not expecting me to fail, or fall or make a giant mess of everything I touch. I can’t tell you how grateful and vulnerable that makes me feel. And every day, I am petrified of letting you down. Scared that I will make you sad and miserable like me. And even more scared that you’re going to grin and bear it, because — well, love.

So please promise me, if someday you can’t bring yourself to smile at me, if love gets unbearable, if you feel like you are having to hack away at yourself to fit my frame, you’ll call me out, and remind me that I am a better man and that you are worthy of much more. But if all else fails, please promise me you’ll be strong enough and walk away. Because — well, love.

4. Happy birthday!

This year, my love, you’re going to shine and live your best life! Okay, that was very generic — very, like you call it, bleh! Let me try again.

I wish this year and every year after this, you wake up with a light heart and a smile on your lips. I wish you never live in regret. I wish you never hesitate to chase your crazy wild dreams (this doesn’t include getting a Hogwarts letter, get over it please!) I wish you try and fail and try more every passing day. I wish you many many monsoon afternoons with your favourite book curled up next to the love of your life. Who never leaves you.

I wish you inky skies with starry stories on shores you’ve not visited before. I wish you feel the happiness and the pain in your soul as wholly as you let the rain drench you and the waves entrance you. I wish you the best that this life, this world, this universe has- every single thing.

I know, it has been months since we broke up, I have never stopped wishing the best for you. As I know you do for me. It broke my heart to let you go, but I had to, and I hope someday you can accept my apology, or my wishes.

And who knows, maybe hidden in all these wishes lies another alternate universe. Where maybe in another sixty years, we find each other again. And I try to impress you with my knowledge of constellations and you bring me some handwritten prose and we sit on the basketball court and smile till we fade away.

We are only stardust, you used to say.